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Weird situation to find oneself, comments requested

August 20th, 2008 at 06:32 pm

This post might go along with one that BA posted and others have posted in the past few weeks: dating and money and relationships.

I ended my two year relationship this past April. Andrew and I are still friends and talk weekly but our lives are just going in two different directions. He currently lives in Barcelona and has spent most of the past 24 months there for work. His company is transferring him to Hong Kong in October for 18 months then to NYC for what he hopes is a permanent move. He works on large construction of hotels and conference centers as an architect and engineer and loves what he does, but he is never here in the country.

We always shared expenses for things except for when he bought me a ticket to visit him when he first moved to Barcelona, (he paid for the whole trip because I had just returned from visiting my sister and could not afford a second trip that quick with out canceling my next trip to see her and her family.) He makes 3-4 times what I make but I always tried to make sure that we were equals in other ways. He always said just because we make different salaries does not mean that we can’t still have fun. He did not care about paying for things we did and it only bothered me sometimes that I could not pay as often as he did as we were having fun and he honestly did not care. We are and will remain friends.

I have been spending some time with the kid-equivalent of the woman I rent a room from. I have lived here for 2.5 years because it is convenient to all I need and want to do and has great freeway access. He is a nice guy but we are not dating as there is no real chemistry but we talk and laugh and have a great time. There is hardly any dead time because we just talk for hours. Ironically we went to the same college and had classes in the same building but never met. He recently returned from 13 years in NY state so he is getting accustomed to California and seeing his family more than once a year.

In July when he was up he wanted to see something in the area where I grew up and I volunteered to show him. He drove (about 100 mile round trip in a truck with horrible gas mileage.) I bought dinner (less than $25) because he drove and he kept trying to give me money but I refused. He said, next time it’s on me.

Fast forward to this past weekend, he mentioned he still owed me dinner. We talked and decided either state fair or sushi. We decided on sushi because I had little interest in going to the fair this year. Had great sushi (I love Mikuni!) and he paid. He wanted to go to XXX for dessert. I said ok, thinking I would at least pay for what I drank or ate but he would not take any money from me and when I tried to pay the waiter took his money over mine. 5 hours later at midnight I get home. We had a great time and I tried again to pay him for my share and he said the whole evening was on him. The whole evening was about 4 times what I paid.

Last night we went to the state fair and had a great time. The only thing I paid for was parking and that was only because the parking attendant was outside my window and I had the cash out. He paid for entrance fees, dinner, drinks, etc. The only thing I purchased was the funnel cake he wanted as we were walking out $3 and proclaims it better than what he got in New York! I only paid because I was quicker on the draw than he was with the cash.

I tried to leave him money in the truck last night when he was not looking with a simple thank you note. It was back on my car this morning which means he found it and came back from the hotel to return it after midnight last night or early this morning.

This is driving me nuts that he won’t let me pay for anything. We are going to go and see Sheryl Crow near where he lives at the end of September. We both just mentioned we wanted to see her this weekend but both have plans we can’t get out of and don’t relish the trip to South Lake Tahoe, getting hotel rooms etc. He called this morning after I got to work and said he can get great tickets for the show for us. Of course we have to buy them together to ensure we are sitting together but he won’t tell me where they are or how much they cost so I can reimburse him the expenses. What do I do? I am sure the prices will be on the ticket, but how can I get him to accept the money?

It is just a strange situation to be in, as we are not dating and I don’t get those vibes from him and I am not sure I would want to be dating him either. But we do have fun.

Comments and input requested please!

15 Responses to “Weird situation to find oneself, comments requested”

  1. fruitbowlk Says:
    1219255778

    Just enjoy. If you both understand that you have a friendship and not a Relationship why stress over who pays for what.

  2. Personal Finance Student Says:
    1219256615

    I'd just have a talk with him about it and let him know your feelings. Afterwards, you'll either feel more comfortable with him paying because you've talked about it or he'll understand and feel more comfortable with YOU paying. If it were me, I think I'd just want to make sure that he understands it's a friendship like fruitbowlk said and not the start to a dating relationship. Good luck!

  3. merch Says:
    1219256660

    I hate to say it, bit I think in his mind you are dating. I don't know if he's getting mixed signals form you (not on purpose) or misinterpreting your intentions. With that said, I would make it very clear to him where the relationship is (guys are thick). I would also do less one on one things and more group things.

    I hope that helps.

  4. creditcardfree Says:
    1219259875

    I tend to agree with Merch that he may think you are dating. It is best to come out with how you feel about the money. If you are great enough friends it shouldn't be a real big issue

  5. Broken Arrow Says:
    1219260528

    Hmm, yeah, I'm with merch on this one. You might not see it as dating, but he most likely does. If not, he probably wants it to be. Otherwise, there's no sense in being so forceful about not having you pay for anything. That's how some guys try to "impress" a woman by sending that ever-so-subtle message, "Hey, if you're with me, I'll take care of you. So, uh, that's why you should be with me." Real jerks will take that concept a step or two further and try to control the other person with money, but I digress....

    I also agree that a little more DIRECT conversation regarding your who pays what should be initiated. If this really causes you discomfort, he needs to know that it's making you feel that way. Like merch says, we're pretty dense. Big Grin And I'm sure the last thing he really wants to do is to make you feel uncomfortable.

  6. debtfreeme Says:
    1219262332

    I don't think I am sending mixed signals and while we do stuff one on one it is because he knows no one here.

    If he is thinking it is a dating thing he has done nothing like any guy I have ever dated. He is old fashioned and does all the manners things: opening doors etc but it does not feel in any way that he thinks we are dating or that we are. He moves slower than any man I have ever “dated” if that is what he is thinking.

    I am hesitant to bring it up again because I like spending time with him and he makes me laugh, we have great conversations and I find myself more animated with him than I have in a long time and I enjoy spending time with him. But i would feel better on common ground sharing who pays.

    I don't want him to be weirded out by anything. I am not his type of woman to date. He was divorced last year after 8 years of marriage and he has joked that he needs to learn how to date again but I am not his type! It is not like we even talk or anything when he is not in the area.

    Are there really guys who think in the old fashioned ways around? It is a nice difference from the “guys” not men I meet.

  7. Ima saver Says:
    1219263054

    I say, just enjoy also!!

  8. gruntina Says:
    1219263889

    My husband - he is age 35 and treats me with respect rather than "old fashion". He opens the car door for me each and every time and the like. While dating, he did not try to "jump in my pants" either as he was focusing on getting to know me on a serious level. I like that because he was looking for a special person to spend the rest of his life with knowing what he wanted. I feel special being asked by him for marriage knowing it was not a "convenient" thing.

    He still opens the car door for me to this day way after marriage because that is the kind of person he is and it keeps us close and it maintains my love tank to be always full. It was not a hook and line thing just to get me to notice him.

    There are gentlemen that are out there but not easy to find. They are probably thinking along the same line as where are the "ladies" are vs. the "girls".

    In some cases, I personally think good manners and respect has been tossed out the window lately of our general society.

  9. debtfreeme Says:
    1219263985

    i think respect is a better way of saying it.

  10. Broken Arrow Says:
    1219268926

    Not to toot my own horn too much or anything, but yes, I do that. For example, I always hold doors for people, even when I don't know them.... Although I admit it's also for tactical reasons such as not wanting anyone behind me when I am being slowed at a bottleneck/physical barrier, BUT IT'S ALSO because I believe in being nice and respectable. Big Grin

    And I certainly would intend to pay for everything, although not necessarily be so forceful about it (because I wouldn't want to make someone feel awkward about it). Heck, it doesn't even have to be dating. Just whatever works best.

    And yes, some guys do move very slow about things. Especially if they are the "old-fashioned" type who are interested in you for more than just a friend and not a one-night-stand.

    Now, is your friend here one of those guys? I don't know. You know him better than any of us, so you'll have to make that call.

    On the other hand, I really do think that it'll be much better for the both of you to communicate clearly about these little issues, so you can continue to have a good time. Even if the move results in... breaking up. An avalanche is best dealt with in the beginning rather than dragging it out towards the end.

    Finally, please remember that how you say things is just as important as what you say. Even a blunt and hurtful message can be softened with presentation. And who knows? You may be pleasantly surprised that he may not mind this at all. It certainly wouldn't bother me.

  11. sillyoleme Says:
    1219271539

    I've never thought about it much, but I guess BF is a little old fashioned (for our age anyway). He always holds the door open for me (and everyone else, even if HE is the one with something in his hands). He also is respectful to just about everybody, even if they don't deserve it or treat him poorly. I guess that's why he gets "adopted" by everyone he meets so quickly.

    But like some others have said, he also wasn't a "fast mover". He has always been incredibly patient, caring, and genuine with me. So I say, yes... there are others out there that are old fashioned (or just respectful, however you describe it), they are just in the minority!

    If you are pretty sure that he doesn't think you are dating, I would just enjoy your time together. Obviously, he wants to pay for most of what you do. As long as you continue to offer to pay for part, I wouldn't worry about it at all. Sounds like you have a great friendship going, and I wouldn't count OUT a relationship already. BF wasn't my "type", and I'm not really his "type" either!

  12. monkeymama Says:
    1219293406

    I would say enjoy your time together.

    My husband would say you are dating.

    I would take the male's opinions over the females. We are naive. Wink My dh has been proven to be right on this issue MANY times when it comes to male friends and such. & that is with a clearly taken women (me!)

    Just be careful.

  13. monkeymama Says:
    1219293534

    oops

  14. Caoineag Says:
    1219329334

    I sort of had to laugh at this story. When my husband and I first met and we were at the friend stage and then later at the boyfriend/ girlfriend stage, we used to have all out wars on who would pick up the check. We literally had to beat the other person to the bill if we wanted to pay.

    We cheated alot too. Smile Steal his wallet, steal the check, that sort of thing. It was actually pretty amusing. Note, if you really want to pay him back, slip him the money without a note so he thinks its just some cash he forgot about.

    Honestly, I suspect he's the type of guy that feels better if he's able to pay for the "lady" whether or not they are dating. I have met a couple of these and I know they weren't interested in me because they were dating my friend at the time.

    That said, I would double check with him to make sure he understands where you guys currently are so there aren't any hurt feelings later.

  15. seven of seven Says:
    1219378880

    I'm betting that he considers you two dating.

    What I recommend is that you tell him that it's important for you to pay your way. Explain that this is a part of "who you are" -- an independent woman who knows how to manage her money and spend it on things that she enjoys.

    He may say that that's interesting because he "is the type of guy who knows how to manage his money and it brings him great satisfaction in treating others."

    Who knows what he would say? But, I, like many others here, believe you should talk about it.

    Let us know how it goes!

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